A View Into Darkness
** Warning** The following post is about my battles with a very strong addiction of adult content, please be advised.
A few posts back, I revealed my hopeless addiction. If you care to read it, you'll find it here. I'd like to write about the last few days and my struggling with it, because the alternative at the moment is to browse the internet to find material to masturbate with and I really don't want that. As I've written in the past, Emily and I work together everyday. Lately, since the season is changing, the weather has been getting steadily warmer. It was nearly 75 degrees when we went into work today. Which means people are starting to dress for the weather, lots of shorts, cutoff shirts and other light clothing. With Emily, that means shorts. She has worn the same black shorts since she started working at UPS. These shorts are relatively short and only go down to about her mid thigh.
As disturbing as this is, I've made it a habit to attempt to see up her shorts for the last two months. Before I continue, some history. My father and mother divorced back when I was ten. As I got older and was better able to understand how horrible my mother treated my father, I really wanted to see her get her just desserts in some fashion. This was the beginning of my masturbation cycle when I was about 14. The things that turn me on the most are some of the things that are the most degrading to women. Now, the argument can be made that all pornography is degrading to women, and I agree, however, there is some that is even worse then the normal naked woman.
So where's the connection. I think, at the time when I started to masturbate, my feelings of hatred for my mother were so strong that I developed an unnatural fascination with the degradation of women as a punishment for my mother. Kind of the things that I thought she deserved for the things she did to my dad that I could never do myself. So I started getting into some very hardcore pornography. Additionally, any real life situation that I could find that was even remotely embarrassing or humiliating for any girl that I got to know in a physical sense turned me on beyond repair. From catching a glimpse of a girl's underwear or seeing a boyfriend "play spank" his girlfriend in public. All those things turned me on because they were degrading.
Now, today, as I stated in the post linked above, masturbation is not what it used to be for me. It's no longer pleasurable because of the amount of shame that I feel after it's over. However, because the feeling has been ingrained in my brain for the last ten years, I'm finding it near impossible to kick the old feelings I have to degrade someone like Emily as a form of payback for the way I perceived that she treated me. (Which was not as horrible as I first thought, it just took me a long time to realize that). Emily did not treat me horribly, is what I mean, the relationship was dysfunctional and I blamed that on her. However, immediately after the relationship was over, as I had dealt with my mother, I turned to the only thing I knew, which was trying to find some way to degrade Emily. Not at all healthy, I know, but at the time it seemed like the only way I could deal with the loss of the relationship.
So yesterday at work, during break. I happened to look up, not so much to see up her shorts, but just to see if she was around. However, when I looked up, I saw her legs, followed by her thighs and the bottom of her shorts. Continuing to look, I saw the curve of her upper thigh where it starts to meet her butt and I also saw her panties, dark ones, that happened to be a little wedged. I remember every detail. Every slight and minute detail of what I saw. For a brief moment, I slightly enjoyed seeing what I saw. Then I snapped back to reality and remembered that what I was doing was completely wrong. Now, here I sit tonight, wondering if I'll ever be able to deal with this addiction and not be such a pervert.
I suppose the only thing that I can take any comfort in from this post is the fact that when I looked up, I did not look up with the intention of trying to see up Emily's shorts, it's just what happened. I suppose that means that my feelings of needing to degrade her to deal with what happened have passed. I'm just so bothered by the fact that that is how when I was very young I decided to deal with something that was very tragic. I'm mad about it too, because the last ten years have seemed to be so stagnant spiritually. I feel like I've missed so many opportunities to get involved and be a part of something great in my church because of this.
I hope that I can pull myself together and get past this. This post has helped defer my thoughts of wanting to masturbate tonight, so I guess that's a start.
A few posts back, I revealed my hopeless addiction. If you care to read it, you'll find it here. I'd like to write about the last few days and my struggling with it, because the alternative at the moment is to browse the internet to find material to masturbate with and I really don't want that. As I've written in the past, Emily and I work together everyday. Lately, since the season is changing, the weather has been getting steadily warmer. It was nearly 75 degrees when we went into work today. Which means people are starting to dress for the weather, lots of shorts, cutoff shirts and other light clothing. With Emily, that means shorts. She has worn the same black shorts since she started working at UPS. These shorts are relatively short and only go down to about her mid thigh.
As disturbing as this is, I've made it a habit to attempt to see up her shorts for the last two months. Before I continue, some history. My father and mother divorced back when I was ten. As I got older and was better able to understand how horrible my mother treated my father, I really wanted to see her get her just desserts in some fashion. This was the beginning of my masturbation cycle when I was about 14. The things that turn me on the most are some of the things that are the most degrading to women. Now, the argument can be made that all pornography is degrading to women, and I agree, however, there is some that is even worse then the normal naked woman.
So where's the connection. I think, at the time when I started to masturbate, my feelings of hatred for my mother were so strong that I developed an unnatural fascination with the degradation of women as a punishment for my mother. Kind of the things that I thought she deserved for the things she did to my dad that I could never do myself. So I started getting into some very hardcore pornography. Additionally, any real life situation that I could find that was even remotely embarrassing or humiliating for any girl that I got to know in a physical sense turned me on beyond repair. From catching a glimpse of a girl's underwear or seeing a boyfriend "play spank" his girlfriend in public. All those things turned me on because they were degrading.
Now, today, as I stated in the post linked above, masturbation is not what it used to be for me. It's no longer pleasurable because of the amount of shame that I feel after it's over. However, because the feeling has been ingrained in my brain for the last ten years, I'm finding it near impossible to kick the old feelings I have to degrade someone like Emily as a form of payback for the way I perceived that she treated me. (Which was not as horrible as I first thought, it just took me a long time to realize that). Emily did not treat me horribly, is what I mean, the relationship was dysfunctional and I blamed that on her. However, immediately after the relationship was over, as I had dealt with my mother, I turned to the only thing I knew, which was trying to find some way to degrade Emily. Not at all healthy, I know, but at the time it seemed like the only way I could deal with the loss of the relationship.
So yesterday at work, during break. I happened to look up, not so much to see up her shorts, but just to see if she was around. However, when I looked up, I saw her legs, followed by her thighs and the bottom of her shorts. Continuing to look, I saw the curve of her upper thigh where it starts to meet her butt and I also saw her panties, dark ones, that happened to be a little wedged. I remember every detail. Every slight and minute detail of what I saw. For a brief moment, I slightly enjoyed seeing what I saw. Then I snapped back to reality and remembered that what I was doing was completely wrong. Now, here I sit tonight, wondering if I'll ever be able to deal with this addiction and not be such a pervert.
I suppose the only thing that I can take any comfort in from this post is the fact that when I looked up, I did not look up with the intention of trying to see up Emily's shorts, it's just what happened. I suppose that means that my feelings of needing to degrade her to deal with what happened have passed. I'm just so bothered by the fact that that is how when I was very young I decided to deal with something that was very tragic. I'm mad about it too, because the last ten years have seemed to be so stagnant spiritually. I feel like I've missed so many opportunities to get involved and be a part of something great in my church because of this.
I hope that I can pull myself together and get past this. This post has helped defer my thoughts of wanting to masturbate tonight, so I guess that's a start.
posted by guythatnooneknows at 12:36 AM
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