A New Kind of Feeling.
So after my whole conversation with Emily, I've been able to put all my thoughts about that situation and more significantly, about her, on the back shelf. In fact, even over the last few days I think that I may be ready to seek out a new and different relationship. I feel like I'm 90% ready to move on. I don't think that a person is ever capable of completely getting over a relationship, especially one that you've put so much of your heart into like I did with her. So I think that being 90% over her is good enough to move on.
See, I have a couple rules. One of them is that I never want to close the door on any relationship, I don't want to be the one that does that. I feel that God can work in mysterious ways and you never know who is the one for you. Now, honestly, I can't ever see Emily and I getting back together ever, but you never know what God can do, so I never want to rule out that possibility. If she read this, that would probably not make her happy, but it's just the kind of guy I am. The other rule that I have is that I never want to get involved in a relationship until I am 100% ready to do so. I feel like this: Why should I put myself out there for someone to find when that person is completely ready to be in a relationship when I cannot be the same. It's just not fair to that other person.
Now for a contradiction. I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to Emily. Tonight, even though I feel like I have moved on and no longer have feelings of love for her, I found myself reading the emails that we exchanged while she was in Italy for 3 months last year. What the hell is that about? Why would I want to read through those emails again. I couldn't finish them all, partly because they were mostly too long, but also, when I started to read the emails where we talked about getting married and how we were so "ready" to be married to each other, it made me shake my head in shame at how un-prepared we both truly were for that sort of discussion. Emotions are a weird thing.
I've written about this before, but what's really disconcerting is the fact that if she came to my doorstep one day, or wanted to go out to breakfast one day after work to talk about her and I getting back together. I probably would accept not only the invitation, but also, the idea of getting back together, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will probably never work. I know that I have changed the way that I will act around women, but in my opinion for her to work for me, she would have to change a lot about herself as well. I just don't think that there has been enough time between when we left each other and now that she would have enough time to make the changes that I would want her to make.
I think a lot of these thoughts are because of the fact that even though she's treated me poorly, I'm still very much physically attracted to her. Even though I know she's not very confident in her appearance, I think she's one of the most attractive girls I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. I think her physical appeal to me is what makes me have these second thoughts about her. I think it's also a large part of what keeps her in my head on a daily basis. I think what I need the most is to start another relationship or get to know new people to help take my mind off of these thoughts.
I wish sometimes that we had never been involved on a romantic level because I think we would have had a much better time being friends for a few years and maybe seeing what would have developed after that rather then jumping head first into a relationship and grasping at straws that it would work.
Anyways, I hope to be able to stop writing about how I feel about Emily at some point and focus on other things that are going on in my life. Oh well, maybe one day:P
See, I have a couple rules. One of them is that I never want to close the door on any relationship, I don't want to be the one that does that. I feel that God can work in mysterious ways and you never know who is the one for you. Now, honestly, I can't ever see Emily and I getting back together ever, but you never know what God can do, so I never want to rule out that possibility. If she read this, that would probably not make her happy, but it's just the kind of guy I am. The other rule that I have is that I never want to get involved in a relationship until I am 100% ready to do so. I feel like this: Why should I put myself out there for someone to find when that person is completely ready to be in a relationship when I cannot be the same. It's just not fair to that other person.
Now for a contradiction. I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to Emily. Tonight, even though I feel like I have moved on and no longer have feelings of love for her, I found myself reading the emails that we exchanged while she was in Italy for 3 months last year. What the hell is that about? Why would I want to read through those emails again. I couldn't finish them all, partly because they were mostly too long, but also, when I started to read the emails where we talked about getting married and how we were so "ready" to be married to each other, it made me shake my head in shame at how un-prepared we both truly were for that sort of discussion. Emotions are a weird thing.
I've written about this before, but what's really disconcerting is the fact that if she came to my doorstep one day, or wanted to go out to breakfast one day after work to talk about her and I getting back together. I probably would accept not only the invitation, but also, the idea of getting back together, even though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will probably never work. I know that I have changed the way that I will act around women, but in my opinion for her to work for me, she would have to change a lot about herself as well. I just don't think that there has been enough time between when we left each other and now that she would have enough time to make the changes that I would want her to make.
I think a lot of these thoughts are because of the fact that even though she's treated me poorly, I'm still very much physically attracted to her. Even though I know she's not very confident in her appearance, I think she's one of the most attractive girls I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. I think her physical appeal to me is what makes me have these second thoughts about her. I think it's also a large part of what keeps her in my head on a daily basis. I think what I need the most is to start another relationship or get to know new people to help take my mind off of these thoughts.
I wish sometimes that we had never been involved on a romantic level because I think we would have had a much better time being friends for a few years and maybe seeing what would have developed after that rather then jumping head first into a relationship and grasping at straws that it would work.
Anyways, I hope to be able to stop writing about how I feel about Emily at some point and focus on other things that are going on in my life. Oh well, maybe one day:P
posted by guythatnooneknows at 6:24 PM
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