Just What I Needed.
So my last post was about how I wrote a letter to my ex. Well, Emily received the letter and called me the very night of my post. I never thought that she would call me, much less as early as she did. That night, we met. Of course however, not expecting the call, I let it go to my machine. She said that she'd like to meet tonight because she was going to be very busy over the next week and didn't want to make me wait. We met up at a Starbucks near her house. Not exactly neutral territory, but I didn't care.
As I was driving there, I wondered what my real reason was for going there. I wanted to make absolutely sure I was doing it for the right reason. I wanted to make sure that I was going there to give her an honest apology and not to try and grab onto a life line that she might be extending to get back together with her. So I prayed, a lot. I also brought my bible along with me. I told her that I wanted to meet at 8:30 pm, which was actually much later in the evening then I needed. I arrived very early. So I spent the time going over what I wanted to say and leafing through different passages of scripture for a little divine inspiration.
When she rolled into the parking lot, I was completely nervous. I actually went into the Starbucks before she got there and got a bottle of water. Then, noticing that she wasn't there yet, I started going out to my car because the little tiny area to sit had too many people in it and I didn't want anyone to eavesdrop on what we were talking about. So I roamed outside and then moved back to my car. As I was getting back in, she pulled into the parking lot, so I pretended not to see her. She thought I was driving away. I was about that nervous. I thought I was going to puke.
So we started with some small talk. Then I just broke into what I wanted to say because the longer I would have stretched it out, the worse it would have been on me. So I told her exactly why I wanted to talk to her, then I apologized and it was over. She forgave me and I began to feel one hundred percent better. Then we had an hour and a half of regular conversation. A little after 10pm, she said she had better get going, and we left the store.
As I was driving home I was going over in my head what had happened. There were a couple things that were a little striking about the situation. First, she was dressed up. I could definitely tell that she had put some time into what she was wearing. Now, I had done the same, but only because when I go out with a woman, of any relationship type, I want to look my best. I just like to present myself in a positive light. Now that I'm writing this though, I think that her reasoning for her attire could have been totally coincidental anyways. She may have just come from somewhere or she may have been on her way somewhere. It's not really a major detail, and regardless of the way I'm writing about it, I'm not letting myself get all worked up over it. It was just a detail that I noticed that I didn't expect at all. I figured she'd show up in just casual wear. She instead, showed up in a dress skirt and a nice top covered by a camisole. I could also tell she was wearing make-up.
But I digress. I noticed something of a very larger significance. I realized that the reason I miss/missed her so much is because we have a fantastic time conversing. We were always good at conversation. While we were dating, it was not uncommon for us to go out to breakfast after work and spend hours there just talking. By hours I mean we would come in at around 9am and stay through the lunch shift until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. No joke. We did that more then once throughout the course of the 4 months that we were together while she was still in the states. Then I realized that that's exactly what I miss the most about her. I miss having someone that I could absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt have a meaningful conversation with for hours.
Unfortunately, I don't have that now with any of the friends of mine that live within 15 miles of where I live. Thats what I miss the most.
****
Enough ex talk. The real reason that I'm posting tonight is to divert my attention from my addiction. I have not succumbed to my addiction since yesterday and while that doesn't seem like a long time, I'm trying hard to not make it two days in a row. The weekends after my friends have left the house are the time that it is the most difficult to not want to give in to temptation. So I decided to divert my attention by pulling up my blog and posting. Great news!! It's working. By the time I finish this post, I'll be far too tired and it will be far too early in the morning to worry about a stupid addiction. Which means, I only have a few more days to go before another meeting with my shrink, which is my goal. I want to stay addiction free at least until this upcoming Tuesday.
I ate like pure shit this weekend and I'm feeling the effects at the moment, another reason why I haven't fallen asleep yet. I need to fix how I eat on the weekends, because if I were ever on some sort of "diet" the weekends are what would totally fuck it up. I know that most people eat garbage on the weekends, but I feel like I eat some of the worst garbage. Yesterday I bought a bag of that Okie Dokie Cheese Popcorn. It's oh so delicious, but it's so horrible coming out. Couple that with the frozen pizza and some honey roasted pizza I had tonight. These foods are a far cry from the home cooked meals I ate throughout the previous days of this last week. I need to start eating better on the weekends... ugh... gotta run to the toilet again...
... maybe one day I'll learn my lesson:P
-S
As I was driving there, I wondered what my real reason was for going there. I wanted to make absolutely sure I was doing it for the right reason. I wanted to make sure that I was going there to give her an honest apology and not to try and grab onto a life line that she might be extending to get back together with her. So I prayed, a lot. I also brought my bible along with me. I told her that I wanted to meet at 8:30 pm, which was actually much later in the evening then I needed. I arrived very early. So I spent the time going over what I wanted to say and leafing through different passages of scripture for a little divine inspiration.
When she rolled into the parking lot, I was completely nervous. I actually went into the Starbucks before she got there and got a bottle of water. Then, noticing that she wasn't there yet, I started going out to my car because the little tiny area to sit had too many people in it and I didn't want anyone to eavesdrop on what we were talking about. So I roamed outside and then moved back to my car. As I was getting back in, she pulled into the parking lot, so I pretended not to see her. She thought I was driving away. I was about that nervous. I thought I was going to puke.
So we started with some small talk. Then I just broke into what I wanted to say because the longer I would have stretched it out, the worse it would have been on me. So I told her exactly why I wanted to talk to her, then I apologized and it was over. She forgave me and I began to feel one hundred percent better. Then we had an hour and a half of regular conversation. A little after 10pm, she said she had better get going, and we left the store.
As I was driving home I was going over in my head what had happened. There were a couple things that were a little striking about the situation. First, she was dressed up. I could definitely tell that she had put some time into what she was wearing. Now, I had done the same, but only because when I go out with a woman, of any relationship type, I want to look my best. I just like to present myself in a positive light. Now that I'm writing this though, I think that her reasoning for her attire could have been totally coincidental anyways. She may have just come from somewhere or she may have been on her way somewhere. It's not really a major detail, and regardless of the way I'm writing about it, I'm not letting myself get all worked up over it. It was just a detail that I noticed that I didn't expect at all. I figured she'd show up in just casual wear. She instead, showed up in a dress skirt and a nice top covered by a camisole. I could also tell she was wearing make-up.
But I digress. I noticed something of a very larger significance. I realized that the reason I miss/missed her so much is because we have a fantastic time conversing. We were always good at conversation. While we were dating, it was not uncommon for us to go out to breakfast after work and spend hours there just talking. By hours I mean we would come in at around 9am and stay through the lunch shift until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. No joke. We did that more then once throughout the course of the 4 months that we were together while she was still in the states. Then I realized that that's exactly what I miss the most about her. I miss having someone that I could absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt have a meaningful conversation with for hours.
Unfortunately, I don't have that now with any of the friends of mine that live within 15 miles of where I live. Thats what I miss the most.
****
Enough ex talk. The real reason that I'm posting tonight is to divert my attention from my addiction. I have not succumbed to my addiction since yesterday and while that doesn't seem like a long time, I'm trying hard to not make it two days in a row. The weekends after my friends have left the house are the time that it is the most difficult to not want to give in to temptation. So I decided to divert my attention by pulling up my blog and posting. Great news!! It's working. By the time I finish this post, I'll be far too tired and it will be far too early in the morning to worry about a stupid addiction. Which means, I only have a few more days to go before another meeting with my shrink, which is my goal. I want to stay addiction free at least until this upcoming Tuesday.
I ate like pure shit this weekend and I'm feeling the effects at the moment, another reason why I haven't fallen asleep yet. I need to fix how I eat on the weekends, because if I were ever on some sort of "diet" the weekends are what would totally fuck it up. I know that most people eat garbage on the weekends, but I feel like I eat some of the worst garbage. Yesterday I bought a bag of that Okie Dokie Cheese Popcorn. It's oh so delicious, but it's so horrible coming out. Couple that with the frozen pizza and some honey roasted pizza I had tonight. These foods are a far cry from the home cooked meals I ate throughout the previous days of this last week. I need to start eating better on the weekends... ugh... gotta run to the toilet again...
... maybe one day I'll learn my lesson:P
-S
posted by guythatnooneknows at 2:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home