So here's the deal...
So here's the story of what's been happening over the last few days. I've taken a big step in the process of dealing with some past history with the ex that needed to be taken care of. In light of some things that had happened between the two of us physically, I decided that I did not take the right course of action dealing with those events and have decided to apologize for my error in judgment.
See the thing is, the ex and I are particularly religious in our beliefs. She had a boyfriend before myself that did not treat her right in the least and forced her into a sexual position that she did not want to be in. She later recalled the entire story of what happened betwixt this fellow and her and I made the promise to her that I would never compromise her integrity like he did, ever. Famous last words, right? Well, of course, nearly a month after I made that vow to her, we engaged in a physical activity that was less then kosher with our religious beliefs. At the time, this didn't bother me as much as it did her, and I decided to tell her that she should be over it like I was, a week after it occurred.
Fast forward a year and a month to now. I have complete and total feelings of how horrible I was in response to that situation. I feel like I did absolutely everything wrong in that situation. I told her she should be over a scenario that happened when it took her three plus years to deal with the previous sexual situation. So yeah, I felt like crap. Realizing how bad a spin I had put on that situation, I have been burdened with the need to apologize in some form.
Now, we work together everyday, so bringing it up at work in any way, shape or form is completely out of the question. Also, making a phone call is out because I want her to be able to see the whites of my eyes when I apologize so that she knows that it's very true, the feelings I have about this. So I decided that I would right a letter explaining how I feel, because to me, email seems so impersonal to talk about such an issue.
So I wrote the letter and mailed it out two days ago. It reached her sometime today and I'm sure that I'll be freaking out tomorrow at work at some point. But I figure, apologizing in that form gives her the opportunity to condense her feelings and decide whether or not she wants to talk about it with me. If she never wants to talk to me about it, I'm ok with that. It is more important for me to deal with these feelings that I'm having in my own way then it is for the two of us to sit down and talk about it. Part of me hopes that we do get a chance to hash it out, but another part of me is completely ok if that never happens.
I think I've done the right thing in this situation, I just hope it doesn't blow up totally and completely in my face like other things I've attempted with her have. Oh well.
***
As an aside, knowing that she is reading it right about this time, is kind of freaking me out about the whole situation a little bit. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is something I feel like I have to face and I would rather have it blow up on me then not have wrote the letter at all. I just wonder what she's thinking about it, whether or not she will wan to talk, or whether or not she just got hold of the letter, opened it and threw it away after she found out who it was from.
Oh, also, another big step since arriving back from Hawaii, I started going back to my shrink again today. I think that was a big step in the right direction. One of the things that I miss the most about having a girlfriend and about having my dad live in Ohio, is someone that I could have long meaningful conversations with about whatever was on my mind. That's one of the reasons I decided to go back to see Dr. Art. I wanted to have someone I could see on a regular basis to have regular conversations with about how life is going. Additionally, whenever I leave a meeting with him, I find that I have a new sense of direction and I feel very uplifted. So it was exciting to get back into the routine of seeing him again. I know that this relationship will be one that is productive.
Also, I've been managing to get some more activity out of everyday. I'm settling back into a healthy lifestyle of eating and sleeping. I'm beginning to feel like a regular person again and I'm happy that I decided that more physical activity was exactly what I needed. Hopefully I can continue this pattern.
See the thing is, the ex and I are particularly religious in our beliefs. She had a boyfriend before myself that did not treat her right in the least and forced her into a sexual position that she did not want to be in. She later recalled the entire story of what happened betwixt this fellow and her and I made the promise to her that I would never compromise her integrity like he did, ever. Famous last words, right? Well, of course, nearly a month after I made that vow to her, we engaged in a physical activity that was less then kosher with our religious beliefs. At the time, this didn't bother me as much as it did her, and I decided to tell her that she should be over it like I was, a week after it occurred.
Fast forward a year and a month to now. I have complete and total feelings of how horrible I was in response to that situation. I feel like I did absolutely everything wrong in that situation. I told her she should be over a scenario that happened when it took her three plus years to deal with the previous sexual situation. So yeah, I felt like crap. Realizing how bad a spin I had put on that situation, I have been burdened with the need to apologize in some form.
Now, we work together everyday, so bringing it up at work in any way, shape or form is completely out of the question. Also, making a phone call is out because I want her to be able to see the whites of my eyes when I apologize so that she knows that it's very true, the feelings I have about this. So I decided that I would right a letter explaining how I feel, because to me, email seems so impersonal to talk about such an issue.
So I wrote the letter and mailed it out two days ago. It reached her sometime today and I'm sure that I'll be freaking out tomorrow at work at some point. But I figure, apologizing in that form gives her the opportunity to condense her feelings and decide whether or not she wants to talk about it with me. If she never wants to talk to me about it, I'm ok with that. It is more important for me to deal with these feelings that I'm having in my own way then it is for the two of us to sit down and talk about it. Part of me hopes that we do get a chance to hash it out, but another part of me is completely ok if that never happens.
I think I've done the right thing in this situation, I just hope it doesn't blow up totally and completely in my face like other things I've attempted with her have. Oh well.
***
As an aside, knowing that she is reading it right about this time, is kind of freaking me out about the whole situation a little bit. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is something I feel like I have to face and I would rather have it blow up on me then not have wrote the letter at all. I just wonder what she's thinking about it, whether or not she will wan to talk, or whether or not she just got hold of the letter, opened it and threw it away after she found out who it was from.
Oh, also, another big step since arriving back from Hawaii, I started going back to my shrink again today. I think that was a big step in the right direction. One of the things that I miss the most about having a girlfriend and about having my dad live in Ohio, is someone that I could have long meaningful conversations with about whatever was on my mind. That's one of the reasons I decided to go back to see Dr. Art. I wanted to have someone I could see on a regular basis to have regular conversations with about how life is going. Additionally, whenever I leave a meeting with him, I find that I have a new sense of direction and I feel very uplifted. So it was exciting to get back into the routine of seeing him again. I know that this relationship will be one that is productive.
Also, I've been managing to get some more activity out of everyday. I'm settling back into a healthy lifestyle of eating and sleeping. I'm beginning to feel like a regular person again and I'm happy that I decided that more physical activity was exactly what I needed. Hopefully I can continue this pattern.
posted by guythatnooneknows at 12:55 PM
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