Some Stuff...
Some bitch that my friend is trying to hook up with called me old today. I'm fucking 25 years old. Hardly hold. Sorry that your 19 year old ass can't comprehend finding someone that is 25 years old attractive, but I guarantee when you drop out of school because becoming a doctor is too hard, you'll be looking for a guy like me to swoop in and live off of. Look, I realize I'm getting older.. but I'd hardly call myself old. I'm in the fucking prime of my life, her saying that shit is a damn slap in the face to the life I've lived. Fuck you.
Guess I seem a little bitter. I'm so sick of hearing side mouthed comments like that from bitches. My entire life, all I've ever met are bitches that say stupid shit without even giving me a chance to show them who I really am. You know, given an opportunity, I'm probably the most honest guy a girl will ever ever meet. I'm also a hopeless romantic. Girl that called me old today, you'd be lucky to be with a guy like me. When your 25 and single, you'll be looking for someone exactly like me.
Now for something completely different.
I like a lot of different music. I'm an average white guy, admittedly, so I don't know how African American's feel about white guys listening to rap, but I love rap. I mainly love a lot of music, rock, rap, jazz, there are a lot of genres of music that I can find music that I enjoy. However, rap is really the genre that I like the most. They speak with so much emotion, so much more emotion is translated in the lyrics and rhymes of a rap verse then of any rock song there is, I think. The great rappers speak from experience and trials that actually happened to them. That to me is ultimate expression. Now, I'm not one of those guys that wants to be the next Eminem. I'm actually very closet about how much I like rap, only my real close friends know and a few people that I work with. Why is this? Because I don't want to try to be something I'm not. Whenever I talk with an African American about rap music, I make sure to first say, "now, I don't know what I'm talking about because I just started listening to good rap about a year ago, but I really like ..." fill in the blank.
I wish that I had some sort of lyrical skill, to be able to put into words the feelings I have/had for my ex-girlfriend, because for some reason I think it would be more theripuedic for me to do that then to post on here every night about how I'm getting over her. But whatever.
I wish she would change the password to her email account. One of the "gifts" God has blessed me with is the ability to memorize things and keep them in my head for a long long time. The currently painful thing that I'm remembering is the password to her email account. Now, I have the password to her secondary account so I'm never finding the real good stuff that I'd like to read to help me obsess on her more:P but I still check this account to see if she has anything to say about me in any of her emails, which she never does, which is what I should expect, but I don't. I don't check it that often, only late at night when I'm randomly browsing the Internet. But anyways, I checked it tonight and came across all the emails she sent to me while she was in Rome. That was a tough ass read, I'll tell you what. After a few of them, I had to just stop and close all the windows because it became to painful.
To read the thoughts of the two of us getting married and having children and how much we talked about those things in those emails, to re-read those things.. ugh. I think that I'm more over her then I write on this particular forum, but tonight especially, I was thinking about how I'll have no one to kiss, again for another New Year. I've never had a New Year kiss. Until last year, I never had a Valentine's Day date. That shit kills me. I'm not an ugly guy. I've been referred to as "regular guy hot" many times, by many different girls. I'm just overly shy and kind of un-confident in myself (though that is getting better). I want these things more often. I know, sometime this weekend I'll think to myself, this year, I want a date on Valentine's Day, and I likely won't get it because with the exception of last year, I never do.
I think I need to start doing more things that are out of my comfort zone. I think if I do more things like this, I'll have opportunities to meet new people and maybe new girls to try and build a relationship with. Now that I've had a good long term relationship, I want another more then anything. I like dates, I like dating, I like getting to know someone of the opposite sex on such an intimate level. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel that again, even though at my age of 25, that's a stupid thing to think. By the way, buy Nas's new album, "Hip Hop is Dead" it's amazing.
She told me I have great qualities for to be the father of her children. She professed her love to me constantly. How does one keep moving forward after something that seemed so sure, turns into something that isn't? It's hard as hell. The only thing that kept me on my feet was school. The structure I had in my semester and the dreams I have of a successful career in accounting were the ONLY things that kept me together. Thank God for those things, because if I didn't have goals that were SO much bigger then she was a part of my life, I never would have made it, never.
That last sentence made me realize something. I got over her because there is something bigger in my life then she EVER was. Well, two things actually, but one thing stands out more. God in my life was the first thing that came to mind. Secondly, my goals of making something of myself. Those two things were SO much bigger parts of my life during the last four months then she ever was. That's amazing to me, because at that point, the day of the break up, I thought that nothing was bigger then what was happening to me right at that point. Turns out, there were things that I thought were so much more important to my life then she was.
Additionally, now, I know that she never really loved me as much as I did her. That's fine, I just wish she had told me that when we started talking about marriage. The thing that I will never do is hate her. Never. I think it's really cool that something in my life was bigger then she was when we broke up, that's amazing to me right now, don't really know why.
Anyways, I think that's enough writing for now. I wonder if people read this blog or if this is just me talking to myself. Either way, it's been nice to put the words in my head on paper (so to speak).
-S
Guess I seem a little bitter. I'm so sick of hearing side mouthed comments like that from bitches. My entire life, all I've ever met are bitches that say stupid shit without even giving me a chance to show them who I really am. You know, given an opportunity, I'm probably the most honest guy a girl will ever ever meet. I'm also a hopeless romantic. Girl that called me old today, you'd be lucky to be with a guy like me. When your 25 and single, you'll be looking for someone exactly like me.
Now for something completely different.
I like a lot of different music. I'm an average white guy, admittedly, so I don't know how African American's feel about white guys listening to rap, but I love rap. I mainly love a lot of music, rock, rap, jazz, there are a lot of genres of music that I can find music that I enjoy. However, rap is really the genre that I like the most. They speak with so much emotion, so much more emotion is translated in the lyrics and rhymes of a rap verse then of any rock song there is, I think. The great rappers speak from experience and trials that actually happened to them. That to me is ultimate expression. Now, I'm not one of those guys that wants to be the next Eminem. I'm actually very closet about how much I like rap, only my real close friends know and a few people that I work with. Why is this? Because I don't want to try to be something I'm not. Whenever I talk with an African American about rap music, I make sure to first say, "now, I don't know what I'm talking about because I just started listening to good rap about a year ago, but I really like ..." fill in the blank.
I wish that I had some sort of lyrical skill, to be able to put into words the feelings I have/had for my ex-girlfriend, because for some reason I think it would be more theripuedic for me to do that then to post on here every night about how I'm getting over her. But whatever.
I wish she would change the password to her email account. One of the "gifts" God has blessed me with is the ability to memorize things and keep them in my head for a long long time. The currently painful thing that I'm remembering is the password to her email account. Now, I have the password to her secondary account so I'm never finding the real good stuff that I'd like to read to help me obsess on her more:P but I still check this account to see if she has anything to say about me in any of her emails, which she never does, which is what I should expect, but I don't. I don't check it that often, only late at night when I'm randomly browsing the Internet. But anyways, I checked it tonight and came across all the emails she sent to me while she was in Rome. That was a tough ass read, I'll tell you what. After a few of them, I had to just stop and close all the windows because it became to painful.
To read the thoughts of the two of us getting married and having children and how much we talked about those things in those emails, to re-read those things.. ugh. I think that I'm more over her then I write on this particular forum, but tonight especially, I was thinking about how I'll have no one to kiss, again for another New Year. I've never had a New Year kiss. Until last year, I never had a Valentine's Day date. That shit kills me. I'm not an ugly guy. I've been referred to as "regular guy hot" many times, by many different girls. I'm just overly shy and kind of un-confident in myself (though that is getting better). I want these things more often. I know, sometime this weekend I'll think to myself, this year, I want a date on Valentine's Day, and I likely won't get it because with the exception of last year, I never do.
I think I need to start doing more things that are out of my comfort zone. I think if I do more things like this, I'll have opportunities to meet new people and maybe new girls to try and build a relationship with. Now that I've had a good long term relationship, I want another more then anything. I like dates, I like dating, I like getting to know someone of the opposite sex on such an intimate level. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel that again, even though at my age of 25, that's a stupid thing to think. By the way, buy Nas's new album, "Hip Hop is Dead" it's amazing.
She told me I have great qualities for to be the father of her children. She professed her love to me constantly. How does one keep moving forward after something that seemed so sure, turns into something that isn't? It's hard as hell. The only thing that kept me on my feet was school. The structure I had in my semester and the dreams I have of a successful career in accounting were the ONLY things that kept me together. Thank God for those things, because if I didn't have goals that were SO much bigger then she was a part of my life, I never would have made it, never.
That last sentence made me realize something. I got over her because there is something bigger in my life then she EVER was. Well, two things actually, but one thing stands out more. God in my life was the first thing that came to mind. Secondly, my goals of making something of myself. Those two things were SO much bigger parts of my life during the last four months then she ever was. That's amazing to me, because at that point, the day of the break up, I thought that nothing was bigger then what was happening to me right at that point. Turns out, there were things that I thought were so much more important to my life then she was.
Additionally, now, I know that she never really loved me as much as I did her. That's fine, I just wish she had told me that when we started talking about marriage. The thing that I will never do is hate her. Never. I think it's really cool that something in my life was bigger then she was when we broke up, that's amazing to me right now, don't really know why.
Anyways, I think that's enough writing for now. I wonder if people read this blog or if this is just me talking to myself. Either way, it's been nice to put the words in my head on paper (so to speak).
-S
posted by guythatnooneknows at 1:02 AM
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