I Think...
I have an incurable addiction. I feel like there are three things that are holding me back.
1. The fact that I can't seem to really get over my ex-girlfriend.
2. The fact that I'm struggling to maintain any semblance of a secure relationship with God.
3. The fact that I have an incredible addiction that I cannot seem to shake.
I thought that I was starting to get ahead of it during the summer, but turns out, the only motivation I had to quit was the very motivation that I lost by the end of the summer, her. I realized that the only reason I really started to try and quit was because of her, but now that she's gone, I cannot seem to stop myself from going back to the very thing that's tearing me down piece by piece. What's worse is that every time go to this addiction, I always feel like complete shit and the very thing that I look to relax me is the very thing that keeps me awake at night.
It sucks that the whole reason I wanted to stop in the first place was for her and now that she's gone, I have zero desire to quit. Well, that's not entirely true. I actually have a strong desire to quit, for like five hours, and then I succumb to it again. I go to it because I feel bad for myself, when I do it, it's basically a pity party for myself. The worst is when I think about her right after I'm done. That sucks. She had no idea what I was going through for the entirety of our relationship. I'm pretty sure if she had known, the relationship would have ended long before it actually did.
********
On a completely unrelated note, I know why I was given her by God when I was. I know the purpose for her to enter my life again, or at least I think I do. Back in January, when we started dating again, my dad moved down to Ohio. This marked a defining moment in my life. It was the first time I was truly faced with being without any of my immediate family within driving distance. I was completely alone. The she came along the weekend my dad was moving down to Ohio and told me she wanted to start dating. I was thrilled, it was as if even though I was alone, I wasn't alone at all. Then she went to Italy. Even though she was in Italy, I still felt very much like she was with me. I didn't really feel alone, even though I was, and even though at times I felt alone. But I adjusted. Then when she got home, we broke up and now I've been without her for four months.
I think God put her in my life when he did to adjust me to being alone and living on my own. I'm really glad that's the way it worked out, because if I had been left to figure out how to be alone on my own, it would have been near impossible and I would have probably become a hermit for the year. She forced me to do things, forced me to be around people, not that that was something that was hard to do, but it helped me adjust to being without my dad. My dad was the single biggest influence on who I am today. Maybe I should use him as the reason to straighten myself out. Actually, I should probably cure myself because it's what God wants me to do first, and because I would hate to disappoint my dad second.
Either way, I need to find a way to break this cycle before I meet another girl. That way I won't have the kind of baggage I had when I entered this relationship. The shitty thing was, even though I was as honest with her as I have ever been with anyone about what I was going through, I didn't even break the iceberg. Partly because I knew she didn't love me enough to help me see it through and partly because I knew the relationship would be over if I did reveal what was really going on. I want to meet a girl that loves me enough to want to help me through this. Someone who isn't afraid of a struggle. At the same time, I want to fix it before I meet someone else so they don't have to deal with the type of baggage that my addiction would bring to the table.
I need to beat this. I need to establish a relationship with Christ again. I need to get over her.
-S
1. The fact that I can't seem to really get over my ex-girlfriend.
2. The fact that I'm struggling to maintain any semblance of a secure relationship with God.
3. The fact that I have an incredible addiction that I cannot seem to shake.
I thought that I was starting to get ahead of it during the summer, but turns out, the only motivation I had to quit was the very motivation that I lost by the end of the summer, her. I realized that the only reason I really started to try and quit was because of her, but now that she's gone, I cannot seem to stop myself from going back to the very thing that's tearing me down piece by piece. What's worse is that every time go to this addiction, I always feel like complete shit and the very thing that I look to relax me is the very thing that keeps me awake at night.
It sucks that the whole reason I wanted to stop in the first place was for her and now that she's gone, I have zero desire to quit. Well, that's not entirely true. I actually have a strong desire to quit, for like five hours, and then I succumb to it again. I go to it because I feel bad for myself, when I do it, it's basically a pity party for myself. The worst is when I think about her right after I'm done. That sucks. She had no idea what I was going through for the entirety of our relationship. I'm pretty sure if she had known, the relationship would have ended long before it actually did.
********
On a completely unrelated note, I know why I was given her by God when I was. I know the purpose for her to enter my life again, or at least I think I do. Back in January, when we started dating again, my dad moved down to Ohio. This marked a defining moment in my life. It was the first time I was truly faced with being without any of my immediate family within driving distance. I was completely alone. The she came along the weekend my dad was moving down to Ohio and told me she wanted to start dating. I was thrilled, it was as if even though I was alone, I wasn't alone at all. Then she went to Italy. Even though she was in Italy, I still felt very much like she was with me. I didn't really feel alone, even though I was, and even though at times I felt alone. But I adjusted. Then when she got home, we broke up and now I've been without her for four months.
I think God put her in my life when he did to adjust me to being alone and living on my own. I'm really glad that's the way it worked out, because if I had been left to figure out how to be alone on my own, it would have been near impossible and I would have probably become a hermit for the year. She forced me to do things, forced me to be around people, not that that was something that was hard to do, but it helped me adjust to being without my dad. My dad was the single biggest influence on who I am today. Maybe I should use him as the reason to straighten myself out. Actually, I should probably cure myself because it's what God wants me to do first, and because I would hate to disappoint my dad second.
Either way, I need to find a way to break this cycle before I meet another girl. That way I won't have the kind of baggage I had when I entered this relationship. The shitty thing was, even though I was as honest with her as I have ever been with anyone about what I was going through, I didn't even break the iceberg. Partly because I knew she didn't love me enough to help me see it through and partly because I knew the relationship would be over if I did reveal what was really going on. I want to meet a girl that loves me enough to want to help me through this. Someone who isn't afraid of a struggle. At the same time, I want to fix it before I meet someone else so they don't have to deal with the type of baggage that my addiction would bring to the table.
I need to beat this. I need to establish a relationship with Christ again. I need to get over her.
-S
posted by guythatnooneknows at 8:59 PM
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