Feelings Coming Back...

I'm getting those feelings for her again. This time though, I won't act on them. I feel like I miss her at times, but when I recall the way things ended and the incident with the email on my birthday, I remember that there is no way in hell anything could ever work out. Especially because of the gigantic lie I told about my best friend dying, because she would meet up with him at some point if we did get back together and I'd have to lie more and more to cover that up.

Even through all that, I still miss her. I miss the girl I knew before she went across the world. I miss the girl that I spent so much time with, revealing the innermost feelings and thoughts that I had. I miss that girl, the girl that took all those revelations and accepted me regardless. That girl, unfortunately, is still in Italy. Even the people at work are noticing that. She's not the same person that went to Italy now, that's what I've heard from people at work. Even the supervisors notice. I was talking to one of my friends from work this last Friday, even he noticed. He said, ya, before she left, she was all smiles and I really liked seeing that, so I would go up and talk to her, but now, she never smiles.

I miss her for stupid reasons too though. I miss her for reasons like I'll never get to have sex with her. That's so stupid that it comes down to that even a little bit. Even the other day I thought about the fact that I'll never get to know what her nipples look like. How fucked up is that? What a stupid thought to even enter my brain, but it did. Sometimes I really disgust myself, especially with that bullshit. Even though I'm thinking these things though, I'm able to backshelf it in my brain almost as soon as a thought like that arises. The ultimate thing I'm really trying to avoid is using her and the things we did do physically, as material for a masturbation session. That would be the ultimate destruction of what soul I may have left. That kind of silliness would lead to the demise of my everything, and I would be totally head over heels for her again, only this time, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

I know it would never ever work out again though. If it were to even enter my head as a possibility, she would have to be the one to do the advancing. Because I won't ever speak to her again about anything deeply emotional or even anything other then work related issues. She's too different for that. It's funny, even though I know this shouldn't be something that makes me nervous, I start to visibly shake when she's even in my remote area. Because I feel like any conversation with her could potentially result in some sort of confrontation, good or bad.

I think all of these feelings derive from the fact that I truly was in love with this girl. This was the first girl that I've ever dated that I didn't get bored with at some point. Girls that I date don't usually get as fair a shot at me as she did. I usually end up getting bored with them after a few months and end up breaking it off, but not with her. I think that I was truly in complete love with this girl and thats why I didn't feel like that. If you ever happen upon this blog, and you can stomach reading up to this point.. you should know that you were the first girl to ever have me like you did.

Don't really know what else to say.

-Guy-